stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.