Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.