Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
reminder
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children