Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[loses house key, starts a new life]
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me