Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.