ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You Might Also Like
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.