[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
This is I, Robot all over again
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.