My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
You Might Also Like
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you