The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
dude it’s called proctologist
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.