Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.