What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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*watches the world burn*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me too
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.