Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes