Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.