[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze