Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
i actually laughed 😩
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.