Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
What
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.