[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Rooting for the overdog
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.