I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.