BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.