How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The internet is full of many things
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”