The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
work smarter, not harder
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.