bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Usage Guidelines
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.