If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’