Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I’m giving up ice.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.