IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
? 💀
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!