Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes