My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
This classic never gets old . . .
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Friends that check up on you >
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke