*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
who wants to go expliring
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly