You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
You Might Also Like
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”