Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I love the National Park Service.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
This pepper has seen some shit
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??