I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”