Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.