If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
TRAIN’S HERE
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.