It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.