(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
some Old Testament wisdom
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again