Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
some things should go without saying
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD