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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun