“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
You Might Also Like
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
man i love columbo
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.