Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Basically.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.