Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You Might Also Like
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
#Caturday
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.