“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Labreador
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!