I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.