as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
You Might Also Like
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen