“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.