Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!