“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Y’all know who you are.
Everything reminds me of my ex
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
This made me chuckle cuz mood
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet