what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.