Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Aaaa…CHOO!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Finally!
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die