My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*limbos away from your hug*
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.