DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Always…
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.